Dan.

We all have that one person in our lives.

The one person who you’ll always make time for, even knowing your chances of getting the time out of day from them are slim, to none.

The one person who you’ll listen to for as long as it takes, knowing that at your first sign of misfortune, will be nowhere to be found.

The one person who’s probably blown you off more times than you could count.

The one person who can swear up and down that they’re a great friend, without ever actually proving so, even given multiple opportunities, and second chances.

Yeah, we all have that someone in our lives, and take it from me, the sooner you get rid of them, the sooner you’ll realize how much better off you really are.

…trust me

Give yourself more credit than you think you might deserve…

I remember I had to work every Saturday at 8:00 am. You’d come over Friday night around midnight, and we’d literally drink until 5:00 am. We’d go to bed, I’d wake up for work on less than two hours of sleep, think about you all day, call you when I got off, and we’d repeat the exact same thing that night. For two months. Every weekend. Never thought I’d say I miss those days. Life’s weird, man.

Zero is the number.

Try and figure out what it represents.

You’ll never be able to. Few people could, unless I tell you.

I am not naive. I am not stupid. I may agree with you, I may nod my head, I may say, “yeah, no big deal”, but I don’t believe a word you say. I’m not like every other idiot out there. You think you can lie to me? No, you can’t. You think i don’t know the real truth? What makes me so sure that I know you’re full of shit? Because I am smarter than you. I know thought for thought what your brain is processing. I can scrutinize your every word, every sentence, every thought, and figure out EXACTLY how your mind works. Time and time again i’ve proven this to myself.  I’ve never been wrong, so don’t waste my time. Don’t lie. It won’t work. You’re transparent. I see right through you. It’s embarrassing.

Keep living your life in my shadow. Keep mimicking my every move. Keep saying what I say. Keep doing what I do. Just remember when you lay your head on that pillow at night: You’re only second best, and you’ll always be one step behind me.

I like to play music. I like to dress like a vagabond year round. I never have any money. Occasionally I stumble upon extra money. I buy inexpensive beer and whiskey with it.  I don’t drive a nice car. My car doesn’t even work. I won’t spend money on you. I won’t buy you nice things. I won’t take you out on a date. I like to party. I like to drink. I like to drink excessively on occasion. I eat more than you. I weigh less than you. I am healthy. I don’t lift weights. I don’t bench press as much as you. The only weight I lift is a guitar. I like to listen to music. I like to listen to the music you hate. I like to surf until the sun goes down. I like not remembering how much of an asshole I was the previous night. I like the lack of feelings that i’ve slowly inherited. My morals have slipped into a coma that they may never awake from. I have no empathy for your problems. I have no empathy for my own problems. I say whatever I want. I’m reckless. I don’t think i’m cool. I don’t think i’m tough. I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what your friends think. I don’t care what your friends friends think. I don’t say this in the cliche form that most do. I don’t care. Period. 

Current problems. One: not being able to correctly sleep at night. Two: when I get bored, I go through old texts. I have thousands of them, dating back from the beginning of summer. I find myself asking questions such as…

Why did I say that? Why couldn’t things work out between us? Do you remember the nights we spent on my roof slamming beer? Why do you live 1000 miles away? Do you remember when we were best friends? Where were you when I fell apart? Remember when I would type out what I wanted to say to you in my phone notepad because our house was too loud? Why did I like you? Do you remember our two epic nights of beer pong in a row? Was Danbury terrace really a year ago? Remember that night we made out with the same girl? When are you coming to visit?

When will EVERYTHING fall into place?

…when?

Sick, ya know? More time to think. More time to take for granted when I was healthy.

like, why should I give a fuck about your problems when mine are seemingly of no interest at all? It makes the phrase “never make someone a priority, when you’re only an option” all the more true. Never make yourself fully available to someone who probably could give a fuck.

“were not the same, I wish that could change, but it can’t. And i’ll say your name, but in the same breathe, i’ll say something, that i’ll grow to regret”

I miss __________.

rebuilding what I HAD, one day at a time…